and time goes by… ni: 11 days to “the emancipation of dingy”
Starry Night Sky
Some say that the stars at night are the souls of the departed ones, looking down upon us, whispering silent prayers... hoping for the day of reunion...
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Hmm.
Was I a fool when I said that sexuality wasn’t important in love? Maybe I was just hopeful that it doesn’t matter to you… Too bad I was hellishly wrong….
So this is how drowning without water feels…
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I look at the ceiling of this tiny cramped room and there is nothing but emptiness. There is nothing in between us that can best the triumph of this abyssal darkness… I have done everything I could, but the mere absence of you, voids me of self…
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You can say whatever you want to say, deflect from what these conversations will inevitably lead to, but the matter-of-fact remains… I have a wish… to spend these years with you… I speak of years, the whole lot of them… not a mere second, not a mere minute… not a mere moment…
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I am not afraid to die out of selfless reasons, but when I look back on what this short life has to offer, I scream my lungs out, pleading with you, not to throw me into the ocean… you know I can’t swim…
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Isn’t it too obvious, that you are too blind to see, too blind to feel, too blind to care, too blind to know, too blind to love me… does belief blind that heart that much… I’d like to know… ‘cause I have moved on… and now I need you…
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This violation of what is broken has taken its toll… I am beyond reprieve, said that it’ll break me… it was over before you even gathered your thoughts… I am broken… there’s just one way to save me now… love me…
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Have you ever felt pity in your life? Is it tantamount to love… I’d like to know that… maybe if I disappear, you will miss me, maybe if you know how much harder it is now to breathe, you will pity me, maybe if you know everything I went through in the past, you will look at me more than once and say how much you pity me, and perhaps you will try to resuscitate me… I know you can… first time I saw you there were no veils in between… but a condescending set of beliefs, I know I couldn’t win…
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There is a battle that rages on, we were built to fight for our lives, but when you struggle in a room… grasping for the slightest bit of air… when you’re around me… I wanted to drown without water, I want you to see me, without the so-called arrogance, intelligence, lust, appearance, height, structure, and being… I want you to see me like through instincts… that you were built for me.. and abandon all that constitutes your contrived self… I want you to pity me, for eternity, so that for all the years to come, you will come to understand love…
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I looked above the celestial sphere, stars twinkling, I’m wearing my heart naked for you to see… tell me… is it too late to breathe, I’m blue, crying for you… tell me you love me too…
It’s been 5 years… and I’m longing for you… I don’t think I can make it without you… I’m not myself when I’m not around you… this is so hard… I admit…
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I may write a dozen of twisted things about what we had… but this misery is real. I am afraid… I will never find anyone like you… and for that reason… I will always be alone…
They said everything changes… yes it did, but soon after that… everything’s the same… I’m still me… weak, old, pathetic… nothing changes from 2004 until my last breath…
This is my private hell… a world without you… I deserved to be punished… I wasn’t brave enough… you weren’t too…
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Yes this is wrong… falling in love with you was so wrong… I am the damned fool…
I knew it from the beginning… falling in love with a soul in the same kind of container… only ends in misery…
They say time has changed… they say it didn’t matter who I love… I was naive, blinded by the promise that it will be right… and these kinds of love everlasts…
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I don’t want closure… that is why I’m missing you so much… not even a phone call, not even a text, not even once-in-a-blue-moon-visiting my facebook page… not even a single email to say hi, greetings on holidays, on my birthdays… everybody has moved on… except me…
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You won’t even read this… but everybody knows how much you mean to me… you’re practically everywhere… it’s so sad that I still don’t have the courage to come to you and say what I really feel… in my heart of hearts she is not worthy of your love…
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I have written so many metaphorical blogs, allegorical songs, and all those crazy stuffs… but none reaches you… I have shouted your name, I have declared my love for you… but my voice doesn’t reach your heart…
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Somebody told me that when you dreamed about a person, that person wants to see you… then why, after all these years, you haven’t seen me…
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Why must we play these charades… why must you constantly remind me that I still love you… and I constantly say that I have moved passed you and tell everybody I have found a better one…
Truth is… I don’t want a better one… I want you… for real… motherfucking real…
Is it also true that you want to be loved by me
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Not everybody gets to live, much as not everybody gets to be loved… I don’t get to be loved by you… it’s a pity… it’s fate…
If you have only loved me as many as the times I have said I love you…
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Every time I hear you dating other girls, I break… and I try to pick up the pieces… but I could not do it… I’m too weak, broken, devastated…
I want to cause you pain… but my arms can’t reach you… I can’t even touch you…
It’s like I’m standing so close to you, you can’t see me, but I can see you… I can try to reach you… but it would be futile…
Cause even if I get to touch you, I know you’re a lost love…
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Why do I have to fall in love with you alone… why must you left me there…
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You know who you are… you were my bestfriend… you were the other half of my soul… contained in a body of the same kind… just when I found out what LOVE really is… you were not there…
I.I’ve been with you all the way, I’ve been with you through all your pain, I tried to stay by your side, worked it out and make it right, I was there when you’re crying, I shared with all your victories, I thought that we’d last forever but it was a happily never after…
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II.We took love for granted, we broke each other’s promises, we were so unkind, jealous of another time, we could’ve tried harder, we could’ve strive and still survive, but we didn’t ever make it… ever since we took the ride…
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III. And I wish there was another way, but we were pushed through the limits of bearing this pain, we could’ve chosen love but we fight, we could’ve stayed but then we walked away…
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IV.So now we’re here trying to mend the hearts broken, but tears get in the way, we could’ve love each other better, we could’ve stayed for the children, we could’ve stand and show that we are united, but we couldn’t make it ever since we took the ride…
Simplify.
If I ever find you then I would die, for in your hands lie my heart, and you are my ultimate love… I am not ready yet, I have to venture into the jungles of false loves, hatred, violence… so that when the right time comes, I will welcome my demise with a smile, knowing no regrets, leaving nothing behind… this is the inescapable destiny… learning to love you… ♥
We are all meant to love… but sometimes, we don’t know how to… we end up making big mistakes, but we find the inescapable truth…at the end of the day, we love… maybe the kind of love for oneself… maybe the kind of love for God… maybe the kind of love for money, fame, or success… maybe the kind of love that is sacrificing… just maybe the greatest love of one’s life…
We are all meant to love… but not everybody is meant to be loved…
