When you walked away from me the first time, I thought to myself, what the f*** are you doing? Why are you letting that person take away everything from your happiness to your survival essentials… Then I tried to ran after you and beg you to stay, ‘cause without you is just miserable. Then another part of me is telling that, this ain’t the first time that somebody walked away from you, in fact, it happened so many times, that it just became routine to you, besides, this ain’t a movie that requires a happy ending. Then it becomes so crazily deluded hours of thinking and debating of bringing you back.
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You know that it’s a great love, if it’s haunting you… Even after so many years, after so many lovers or not, after so many trials and successes, the images of pure joy, laughter, loving, togetherness, pierce through the walls of your room as if they’re happening all over again, but your medulla oblongata snaps you out of it, but then as you resume with the regular beating of your heart, these ghosts of the great love lost returns to haunt you again and again. You might seem to forget for like a week or several months, but when you are alone, sitting in a bus or a jeepney, going to work or school, you look beyond the horizon, you got people around you looking bizarrely at you, wondering why you’re so absentminded these days. A great love haunts you in a such a way that even after a billion seconds, your skin recalls the memory of your lover’s touch and kisses… your ear seemingly remembers the voice of the lost love, remembering how tenderly, cutely, romantically your lover said those magical three words that swept you off your feet, see his or her face in every other person you meet.
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You know it’s a great love, if it’s haunting you. Driving you crazy, you look for absolutely all of the things and qualities that your great love (that is lost) possessed in every new person you are dating, and they got fed up of tryna live up the former glory of you and your lover’s hay days. And the worst thing is, you don’t get emotionally torn up when this occurs. And like a zombie, you head out, finding another one, and this keeps on repeating like a jumping CD with no end in sight. Your life, in the eyes of everybody around you seem normal, may appear as you have moved on, may appear as the successes that you have, drown all the pain and devastation that rummaged you in the past… the truth is, it never did, and never will. You know in your heart, that you will never recover, and you’re just dealing with it, managing the pain to the best of your abilities…
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You know it’s a great love, if it’s haunting you. Fresh off the heartbreak, you embark on many expeditions in spying, formulating accidental-bumping-into-each other, pretending you are alright when one of your common friends tell you that he/she has found another one and you immediately cut the story with the line “oh really?”, or something like “I’m happy for him/her”, or worst “I don’t care, ‘cause I found another one, and better”. It’s haunting you, because for the last few months, you found it a colossal task suppressing all the bitterness (or not) whilst balancing the pain and disbelief, and putting up a front that you’re ok… but for some of us, just like me, even when we do the craziest things in the world, get drunk every night, derided with addictions, loaded with all the demons playing around outside the closet… you still won’t recover…
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What was I thinking when I let you off with that person… what was I thinking when I said I didn’t love you so… what was I thinking when I said I don’t need you, I don’t want you, I don’t love you… these are the words you play over and over again in your brain, and it’s purely and disgustingly agonizing to reason out with your brain, because you yourself, won’t win…
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A great love lost brings about a spectrum of pain… from a slight lacerating pain through your heart when you picture moments of love, or anything that resembles or associates with your great love. You scramble like a little fish out of the bowl, trying to find the best pill, but time ran out.
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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance… the Kubler-Ross model for dealing with a catastrophic loss or tragedy… even if you have completed it… even if you have reach realization and acceptance… you know in your heart of hearts, you will never ever recover… there is no moving on… in losing your great love… there is just a semblance of a so-called life after…
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Even in death, the pain doesn’t disappear… it’s not a matter of choice, some people will say that they have moved on, but if you look inside their hearts, you will see a chest, circumscribed by a million locks and barbed wires, held by titanic weights… they just did it amazingly… they just pray every night, that what is inside that chest doesn’t leak over… for hell is about to happen…
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When I let you go, know that I did not set myself free, maybe you are free… but I’m trapped in this world I have created for myself… and it’s not a beautiful world… you are my greatest love… but I wasn’t yours… love is never fair to you and me… I can’t wish you well… I can never say that… wishing you well is equivalent to forever losing you… wishing you well means my greatest love disappears forever… saying that I’m happy that you found a new one is like putting a knife through my heart and twisting it, taking it off and putting it through again… So I’d like to know, over and over again… that you love me… that I was once your happiness and joy… ‘cause I need them every time I go through all this sh*t over again… ‘cause I need something to lament for…
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Tears never dry up, they just stop at times, refilling again, and tells you that they are ready to fall whenever you are ready…
