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As a teacher, you try to project a life that is seamless, righteous, and perfect. They can try all they want, but they don’t get any closer in achieving anything near the mentioned virtues, maybe righteous, but not seamless or perfect. I always fall victim into trying to achieve any of these virtues, and I always end up with just the opposite. Oh well, this ain’t the subject of this blog…
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My first cellphone ever, a Nokia 3210, given by my father to me, during the small graduation party we had in Max’s Balibago, March 29, 2001, opened up different layers and horizons to my world. I am bound to take a bachelor’s degree in the university and the craze, daze, and haze of my high school life still lingers. Of course, having a cellphone during those times, opened up a lot of possibilities for my love life, although I was willing to compromise for a virtual relationship with these person. As a backgrounder, in my heart of hearts, 16 years young then, I truly believed that this person has genuine feelings for me. Very affectionate and generous, very showy and a known Casanova, my seatmate and my groupmate for like the most exciting year of my life, my confidant and my friend, were all those signs that pulled me into a deep and strong feelings for this person. I got my crush’s number from a common friend, and we started texting. Weeks pass into the summer and we maintain this constant kind of relationship which is neither here or there. I kept waiting and waiting for this person to really take a step and say it aloud. I always believed and knew that it was coming, so you do understand me for the wait. All the signals were there, and oh boy, I still haven’t perfected my overanalyzing behavior then.
The problem with waiting is that it churns your stomach into dimensions you don’t want to get into. The problem with waiting is when you are so impatient, so controlling and manipulative, you take actions into your hand. I must admit that at that time, I almost never realized that I was becoming a psychopath, to the point I was chuckling my nails and exploding into tantrums. In the absence of counselors and guides (we normally call them friends), you try formulating a million scenarios in your mind, scenes range from nothing happens to something enormous, then have the greatest difficulty in choosing the move you want, ending up with a result which is a hybrid of stupidities and ignorances, you normally wouldn’t even contemplated.
So one day, I texted this person about my true feelings, told that “I love you”, “I want to be with you”, and “it’s true…”, I could’ve been more poetic, but I didn’t choose to put up a front, instead, I said it plainly. At the end of the message was a question, which can be answered by a yes or a no, to let me know, that I was reciprocated. Instead… I get nothing. Then I’ve waited, minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, then I’ve told myself, has this person got cold feet? I immediately rebuffed myself, it’s impossible Barry, why will that person get cold feet? This is the 2001 Summer!!! The hottest summer ever. So I never got the chance to know the answer.
I spent every waiting moment in thinking. Did I say it wrong? Did I make a wrong move? Oh, yeah by the way, I really don’t have experience in this kind of stuff. Was that person offended by me taking initiative in stating the obvious? Was that person just playing me? Was that person just leading me on, and doesn’t want to be really involved with me? Was that person just want to stay as friends with me? I certainly know that the person has load in his account, so poverty just doesn’t cut it. I certainly know that it’s April and business starts June, so business just doesn’t cut it. Because if yes or no is the answer to any of these, I deserved a reply. But I didn’t get any. I spent so many hours, hugging pillows, sipping soups, staring into nothing, just to give myself the chance to really understand what went wrong. But you didn’t had the decency to let me know.
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I thought that it was an isolated case, and maybe, the next ones, I did them differently. But every time, I tell them that “I love you”, “I want to be with you”, and “It is true”… they all turn their backs on me, as if I end up deaf, never knowing what they truly feel for me because they become mute and never having a decency to say what they really feel about me. It maybe worse not to know than being rejected. I would have rather face rejection than never knowing.
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Rejection allows you to move past it, collect yourself, regain composure, and move on with the next one. Not knowing doesn’t give you all those mentioned. Instead, you become strung out, messed up, and filled with hang ups, you can never get past with. They must understand, for people like me, who is very theoretical and analytical, deserve more than silence.
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Some of my friends would tell me that I should try a different approach, that I should minimize wearing my heart out and becoming overly devoted to every other person that comes along. But I find it difficult. Yes, I’m very much a complicated and messy person to be with… ask my former lovers. Yes, I’m clumsy and maybe tactless with the words I say… Yes I may put myself out there too much, but at least I tell it as it is. I feel it as it is. I may not be perfect, but hey, at least I’m real.
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They might think that the likes of me are dispensable; They might treat me like trash; I might be overly obsessive with every singular detail of the moments with them; I might overanalyze every romantic inflections and signals, which might never mean that way; I might make mistakes telling you what I feel… but I’m closer to finding f***king real good love.
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I am walking this road so many times in my life. I never learned to avoid potholes and manholes. I always end up being saved from quicksands and marshiness. I am very arrogant, my breath stinks in the morning, I am obsessive compulsive, I over think, I am not hardworking at all, I don’t usually treat people to dinner, I am jealous, I cry over sad movies and tv shows, I sometimes spend a lot of money for nothing, I eat too much, I can stay awake all night, sometimes, I don’t want to go to church, I don’t hate cockroaches, but I can kill them if you want, I love frogs, I hate bright rooms, I don’t like very clean stuffs, I cram, I maybe caught off guards a lot time, I say things that I don’t mean… I love and hate my nose, I have some beer belly, I am disproportionate, I am very smart and sometimes intimidating, I play tennis very well, and yes, I am a nerd and a dork who can party all night, I drink until there is no longer something that could be wasted, and I haven’t found f**king real good love yet…
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As I fall into you, and you catch me, I know I’m heavy to carry, but “I love you”, “I want to be with you”, and “It is true”. Do you suppose that “you can love me?”, “want to be with me?”, “love me till it’s no longer true?”… is it you I’m waiting for?
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Of those many mistakes in my life, telling you that I love you, is the only one, I’m glad making…
