Starry Night Sky

and time goes by… ni: 11 days to “the emancipation...

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 23:57:42 +0800

and time goes by… ni: 11 days to “the emancipation of dingy”

ichi: 12 days to “the emancipation of dingy”

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:03:48 +0800

ichi: 12 days to “the emancipation of dingy”

If you don’t love me, somebody else will… baby...

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 16:44:39 +0800

If you don’t love me, somebody else will… baby don’t you ever get too comfortable…

strawberrymince: Hmm.

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 12:08:37 +0800

strawberrymince:

Hmm.

To all my students!!! I heart U all… I’m extremely...

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 23:44:16 +0800

To all my students!!! I heart U all… I’m extremely happy I have met you all!!!

Photo

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 17:20:38 +0800

dedicated to…. X(

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:12:15 +0800

dedicated to…. X(

Photo

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 09:27:27 +0800

…

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 18:20:24 +0800

…

"Was I a fool when I said that sexuality wasn’t important in love? Maybe I was just hopeful..."

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 18:19:46 +0800

“Was I a fool when I said that sexuality wasn’t important in love? Maybe I was just hopeful that it doesn’t matter to you… Too bad I was hellishly wrong….”

Drowning Without Water... Random Thoughts 2

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 21:20:00 +0800

So this is how drowning without water feels…

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I look at the ceiling of this tiny cramped room and there is nothing but emptiness. There is nothing in between us that can best the triumph of this abyssal darkness… I have done everything I could, but the mere absence of you, voids me of self…

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You can say whatever you want to say, deflect from what these conversations will inevitably lead to, but the matter-of-fact remains… I have a wish… to spend these years with you… I speak of years, the whole lot of them… not a mere second, not a mere minute… not a mere moment…

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I am not afraid to die out of selfless reasons, but when I look back on what this short life has to offer, I scream my lungs out, pleading with you, not to throw me into the ocean… you know I can’t swim…

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Isn’t it too obvious, that you are too blind to see, too blind to feel, too blind to care, too blind to know, too blind to love me… does belief blind that heart that much… I’d like to know… ‘cause I have moved on… and now I need you…

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This violation of what is broken has taken its toll… I am beyond reprieve, said that it’ll break me… it was over before you even gathered your thoughts… I am broken… there’s just one way to save me now… love me…

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Have you ever felt pity in your life? Is it tantamount to love… I’d like to know that… maybe if I disappear, you will miss me, maybe if you know how much harder it is now to breathe, you will pity me, maybe if you know everything I went through in the past, you will look at me more than once and say how much you pity me, and perhaps you will try to resuscitate me… I know you can… first time I saw you there were no veils in between… but a condescending set of beliefs, I know I couldn’t win…

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There is a battle that rages on, we were built to fight for our lives, but when you struggle in a room… grasping for the slightest bit of air… when you’re around me… I wanted to drown without water, I want you to see me, without the so-called arrogance, intelligence, lust, appearance, height, structure, and being… I want you to see me like through instincts… that you were built for me.. and abandon all that constitutes your contrived self… I want you to pity me, for eternity, so that for all the years to come, you will come to understand love…

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I looked above the celestial sphere, stars twinkling, I’m wearing my heart naked for you to see… tell me… is it too late to breathe, I’m blue, crying for you… tell me you love me too…

I'm Missing You So Much...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 23:58:17 +0800

It’s been 5 years… and I’m longing for you… I don’t think I can make it without you… I’m not myself when I’m not around you… this is so hard… I admit…

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I may write a dozen of twisted things about what we had… but this misery is real. I am afraid… I will never find anyone like you… and for that reason… I will always be alone…

They said everything changes… yes it did, but soon after that… everything’s the same… I’m still me… weak, old, pathetic… nothing changes from 2004 until my last breath…

This is my private hell… a world without you… I deserved to be punished… I wasn’t brave enough… you weren’t too…

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Yes this is wrong… falling in love with you was so wrong… I am the damned fool…

I knew it from the beginning… falling in love with a soul in the same kind of container… only ends in misery…

They say time has changed… they say it didn’t matter who I love… I was naive, blinded by the promise that it will be right… and these kinds of love everlasts…

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I don’t want closure… that is why I’m missing you so much… not even a phone call, not even a text, not even once-in-a-blue-moon-visiting my facebook page… not even a single email to say hi, greetings on holidays, on my birthdays… everybody has moved on… except me…

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You won’t even read this… but everybody knows how much you mean to me… you’re practically everywhere… it’s so sad that I still don’t have the courage to come to you and say what I really feel… in my heart of hearts she is not worthy of your love…

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I have written so many metaphorical blogs, allegorical songs, and all those crazy stuffs… but none reaches you… I have shouted your name, I have declared my love for you… but my voice doesn’t reach your heart…

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Somebody told me that when you dreamed about a person, that person wants to see you… then why, after all these years, you haven’t seen me…

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Why must we play these charades… why must you constantly remind me that I still love you… and I constantly say that I have moved passed you and tell everybody I have found a better one…

Truth is… I don’t want a better one… I want you… for real… motherfucking real…

Is it also true that you want to be loved by me

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Not everybody gets to live, much as not everybody gets to be loved… I don’t get to be loved by you… it’s a pity… it’s fate…

If you have only loved me as many as the times I have said I love you…

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Every time I hear you dating other girls, I break… and I try to pick up the pieces… but I could not do it… I’m too weak, broken, devastated…

I want to cause you pain… but my arms can’t reach you… I can’t even touch you…

It’s like I’m standing so close to you, you can’t see me, but I can see you… I can try to reach you… but it would be futile…

Cause even if I get to touch you, I know you’re a lost love…

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Why do I have to fall in love with you alone… why must you left me there…

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You know who you are… you were my bestfriend… you were the other half of my soul… contained in a body of the same kind… just when I found out what LOVE really is… you were not there…

The Ride

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:35:33 +0800

I.I’ve been with you all the way, I’ve been with you through all your pain, I tried to stay by your side, worked it out and make it right, I was there when you’re crying, I shared with all your victories, I thought that we’d last forever but it was a happily never after…

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II.We took love for granted, we broke each other’s promises, we were so unkind, jealous of another time, we could’ve tried harder, we could’ve strive and still survive, but we didn’t ever make it… ever since we took the ride…

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III. And I wish there was another way, but we were pushed through the limits of bearing this pain, we could’ve chosen love but we fight, we could’ve stayed but then we walked away…

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IV.So now we’re here trying to mend the hearts broken, but tears get in the way, we could’ve love each other better, we could’ve stayed for the children, we could’ve stand and show that we are united, but we couldn’t make it ever since we took the ride…

vwynx: Simplify.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:01:36 +0800

vwynx:

Simplify.

Inescapable... Random Thoughts 1

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:13:30 +0800

If I ever find you then I would die, for in your hands lie my heart, and you are my ultimate love… I am not ready yet, I have to venture into the jungles of false loves, hatred, violence… so that when the right time comes, I will welcome my demise with a smile, knowing no regrets, leaving nothing behind… this is the inescapable destiny… learning to love you… ♥

We are all meant to love… but sometimes, we don’t know how to… we end up making big mistakes, but we find the inescapable truth…at the end of the day, we love… maybe the kind of love for oneself… maybe the kind of love for God… maybe the kind of love for money, fame, or success… maybe the kind of love that is sacrificing… just maybe the greatest love of one’s life…

We are all meant to love… but not everybody is meant to be loved…

vwynx: cuong205a: tiger

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:10:23 +0800

vwynx:

cuong205a:

tiger

Of Those Many Mistakes (I'm That Barry You Like #3)

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 20:10:10 +0800

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As a teacher, you try to project a life that is seamless, righteous, and perfect. They can try all they want, but they don’t get any closer in achieving anything near the mentioned virtues, maybe righteous, but not seamless or perfect. I always fall victim into trying to achieve any of these virtues, and I always end up with just the opposite. Oh well, this ain’t the subject of this blog…

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My first cellphone ever, a Nokia 3210, given by my father to me, during the small graduation party we had in Max’s Balibago, March 29, 2001, opened up different layers and horizons to my world. I am bound to take a bachelor’s degree in the university and the craze, daze, and haze of my high school life still lingers. Of course, having a cellphone during those times, opened up a lot of possibilities for my love life, although I was willing to compromise for a virtual relationship with these person. As a backgrounder, in my heart of hearts, 16 years young then, I truly believed that this person has genuine feelings for me. Very affectionate and generous, very showy and a known Casanova, my seatmate and my groupmate for like the most exciting year of my life, my confidant and my friend, were all those signs that pulled me into a deep and strong feelings for this person. I got my crush’s number from a common friend, and we started texting. Weeks pass into the summer and we maintain this constant kind of relationship which is neither here or there. I kept waiting and waiting for this person to really take a step and say it aloud. I always believed and knew that it was coming, so you do understand me for the wait. All the signals were there, and oh boy, I still haven’t perfected my overanalyzing behavior then.

The problem with waiting is that it churns your stomach into dimensions you don’t want to get into. The problem with waiting is when you are so impatient, so controlling and manipulative, you take actions into your hand. I must admit that at that time, I almost never realized that I was becoming a psychopath, to the point I was chuckling my nails and exploding into tantrums. In the absence of counselors and guides (we normally call them friends), you try formulating a million scenarios in your mind, scenes range from nothing happens to something enormous, then have the greatest difficulty in choosing the move you want, ending up with a result which is a hybrid of stupidities and ignorances, you normally wouldn’t even contemplated.

So one day, I texted this person about my true feelings, told that “I love you”, “I want to be with you”, and “it’s true…”, I could’ve been more poetic, but I didn’t choose to put up a front, instead, I said it plainly. At the end of the message was a question, which can be answered by a yes or a no, to let me know, that I was reciprocated. Instead… I get nothing. Then I’ve waited, minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, then I’ve told myself, has this person got cold feet? I immediately rebuffed myself, it’s impossible Barry, why will that person get cold feet? This is the 2001 Summer!!! The hottest summer ever. So I never got the chance to know the answer.

I spent every waiting moment in thinking. Did I say it wrong? Did I make a wrong move? Oh, yeah by the way, I really don’t have experience in this kind of stuff. Was that person offended by me taking initiative in stating the obvious? Was that person just playing me? Was that person just leading me on, and doesn’t want to be really involved with me? Was that person just want to stay as friends with me? I certainly know that the person has load in his account, so poverty just doesn’t cut it. I certainly know that it’s April and business starts June, so business just doesn’t cut it. Because if yes or no is the answer to any of these, I deserved a reply. But I didn’t get any. I spent so many hours, hugging pillows, sipping soups, staring into nothing, just to give myself the chance to really understand what went wrong. But you didn’t had the decency to let me know.

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I thought that it was an isolated case, and maybe, the next ones, I did them differently. But every time, I tell them that “I love you”, “I want to be with you”, and “It is true”… they all turn their backs on me, as if I end up deaf, never knowing what they truly feel for me because they become mute and never having a decency to say what they really feel about me. It maybe worse not to know than being rejected. I would have rather face rejection than never knowing.

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Rejection allows you to move past it, collect yourself, regain composure, and move on with the next one. Not knowing doesn’t give you all those mentioned. Instead, you become strung out, messed up, and filled with hang ups, you can never get past with. They must understand, for people like me, who is very theoretical and analytical, deserve more than silence.

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Some of my friends would tell me that I should try a different approach, that I should minimize wearing my heart out and becoming overly devoted to every other person that comes along. But I find it difficult. Yes, I’m very much a complicated and messy person to be with… ask my former lovers. Yes, I’m clumsy and maybe tactless with the words I say… Yes I may put myself out there too much, but at least I tell it as it is. I feel it as it is. I may not be perfect, but hey, at least I’m real.

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They might think that the likes of me are dispensable; They might treat me like trash; I might be overly obsessive with every singular detail of the moments with them; I might overanalyze every romantic inflections and signals, which might never mean that way; I might make mistakes telling you what I feel… but I’m closer to finding f***king real good love.

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I am walking this road so many times in my life. I never learned to avoid potholes and manholes. I always end up being saved from quicksands and marshiness. I am very arrogant, my breath stinks in the morning, I am obsessive compulsive, I over think, I am not hardworking at all, I don’t usually treat people to dinner, I am jealous, I cry over sad movies and tv shows, I sometimes spend a lot of money for nothing, I eat too much, I can stay awake all night, sometimes, I don’t want to go to church, I don’t hate cockroaches, but I can kill them if you want, I love frogs, I hate bright rooms, I don’t like very clean stuffs, I cram, I maybe caught off guards a lot time, I say things that I don’t mean… I love and hate my nose, I have some beer belly, I am disproportionate, I am very smart and sometimes intimidating, I play tennis very well, and yes, I am a nerd and a dork who can party all night, I drink until there is no longer something that could be wasted, and I haven’t found f**king real good love yet…

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As I fall into you, and you catch me, I know I’m heavy to carry, but “I love you”, “I want to be with you”, and “It is true”. Do you suppose that “you can love me?”, “want to be with me?”, “love me till it’s no longer true?”… is it you I’m waiting for?

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Of those many mistakes in my life, telling you that I love you, is the only one, I’m glad making…

Trapped In Your Freedom (I'm That Barry You Like #2)

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 22:05:00 +0800

When you walked away from me the first time, I thought to myself, what the f*** are you doing? Why are you letting that person take away everything from your happiness to your survival essentials… Then I tried to ran after you and beg you to stay, ‘cause without you is just miserable. Then another part of me is telling that, this ain’t the first time that somebody walked away from you, in fact, it happened so many times, that it just became routine to you, besides, this ain’t a movie that requires a happy ending. Then it becomes so crazily deluded hours of thinking and debating of bringing you back.

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You know that it’s a great love, if it’s haunting you… Even after so many years, after so many lovers or not, after so many trials and successes, the images of pure joy, laughter, loving, togetherness, pierce through the walls of your room as if they’re happening all over again, but your medulla oblongata snaps you out of it, but then as you resume with the regular beating of your heart, these ghosts of the great love lost returns to haunt you again and again. You might seem to forget for like a week or several months, but when you are alone, sitting in a bus or a jeepney, going to work or school, you look beyond the horizon, you got people around you looking bizarrely at you, wondering why you’re so absentminded these days. A great love haunts you in a such a way that even after a billion seconds, your skin recalls the memory of your lover’s touch and kisses… your ear seemingly remembers the voice of the lost love, remembering how tenderly, cutely, romantically your lover said those magical three words that swept you off your feet, see his or her face in every other person you meet.

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You know it’s a great love, if it’s haunting you. Driving you crazy, you look for absolutely all of the things and qualities that your great love (that is lost) possessed in every new person you are dating, and they got fed up of tryna live up the former glory of you and your lover’s hay days. And the worst thing is, you don’t get emotionally torn up when this occurs. And like a zombie, you head out, finding another one, and this keeps on repeating like a jumping CD with no end in sight. Your life, in the eyes of everybody around you seem normal, may appear as you have moved on, may appear as the successes that you have, drown all the pain and devastation that rummaged you in the past… the truth is, it never did, and never will. You know in your heart, that you will never recover, and you’re just dealing with it, managing the pain to the best of your abilities…

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You know it’s a great love, if it’s haunting you. Fresh off the heartbreak, you embark on many expeditions in spying, formulating accidental-bumping-into-each other, pretending you are alright when one of your common friends tell you that he/she has found another one and you immediately cut the story with the line “oh really?”, or something like “I’m happy for him/her”, or worst “I don’t care, ‘cause I found another one, and better”. It’s haunting you, because for the last few months, you found it a colossal task suppressing all the bitterness (or not) whilst balancing the pain and disbelief, and putting up a front that you’re ok… but for some of us, just like me, even when we do the craziest things in the world, get drunk every night, derided with addictions, loaded with all the demons playing around outside the closet… you still won’t recover…

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What was I thinking when I let you off with that person… what was I thinking when I said I didn’t love you so… what was I thinking when I said I don’t need you, I don’t want you, I don’t love you… these are the words you play over and over again in your brain, and it’s purely and disgustingly agonizing to reason out with your brain, because you yourself, won’t win…

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A great love lost brings about a spectrum of pain… from a slight lacerating pain through your heart when you picture moments of love, or anything that resembles or associates with your great love. You scramble like a little fish out of the bowl, trying to find the best pill, but time ran out.

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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance… the Kubler-Ross model for dealing with a catastrophic loss or tragedy… even if you have completed it… even if you have reach realization and acceptance… you know in your heart of hearts, you will never ever recover… there is no moving on… in losing your great love… there is just a semblance of a so-called life after…

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Even in death, the pain doesn’t disappear… it’s not a matter of choice, some people will say that they have moved on, but if you look inside their hearts, you will see a chest, circumscribed by a million locks and barbed wires, held by titanic weights… they just did it amazingly… they just pray every night, that what is inside that chest doesn’t leak over… for hell is about to happen…

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When I let you go, know that I did not set myself free, maybe you are free… but I’m trapped in this world I have created for myself… and it’s not a beautiful world… you are my greatest love… but I wasn’t yours… love is never fair to you and me… I can’t wish you well… I can never say that… wishing you well is equivalent to forever losing you… wishing you well means my greatest love disappears forever… saying that I’m happy that you found a new one is like putting a knife through my heart and twisting it, taking it off and putting it through again… So I’d like to know, over and over again… that you love me… that I was once your happiness and joy… ‘cause I need them every time I go through all this sh*t over again… ‘cause I need something to lament for…

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Tears never dry up, they just stop at times, refilling again, and tells you that they are ready to fall whenever you are ready…

CTRL+Z

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:14:14 +0800

I wish I could go back in time, to the day it was the two of us

I wish I could just sit and press rewind, I know our lives has changed

I wish I could press control z, to unbreak your heart and you unbreak mine

I wish I could, I wish I could, I wish I could

All my life I pretended, the things we do, don’t matter

Deep inside I was wishing for them to last forever

But as I open my eyes, I don’t wake up in Unit C

Don’t wake up with a text from you to me…

That’s what I’ve been missing here

Did you forget, the times we spent together,

Do you regret, us being friends almost lovers,

Cause now you’re so far away, having a brand new life, hey, it’s ok

It’s just me wishing that I could…

I wish I could go back in time, to the day it was the two of us

I wish I could just sit and press rewind, I know our lives has changed

I wish I could press control z, to unbreak your heart and you unbreak mine

I wish I could, I wish I could, I wish I could

Apparently, it’s not the same if it’s not you

You were my boo, and I was everything to you

But then we started misunderstanding

Small things and then we end up fighting

Went too far and we just can’t go back

Do you remember, you like it when I smile

Do you remember, holidays and celebrations

Cause now you’re so far away, having a brand new life, hey, it’s ok

It’s just me wishing that I could…

I wish I could go back in time, to the day it was the two of us

I wish I could just sit and press rewind, I know our lives has changed

I wish I could press control z, to unbreak your heart and you unbreak mine

I wish I could, I wish I could, I wish I could

I wish we can go watch movies again in Oli, saturday aftie

Then have coffee, dinner with friends at Isabel’s, does it ring a bell,

Then we go to Indio’s, smell like smoked bacon,

Run in the rain, playing non sensical games

You walk me home in along grove, making plans about tomorrow

I still recall 04 beach at Panglao, watch Wimbledon with Tadz,

Runaway from org work, wake up in many cold dawns selling old clothes

Cry your heart to me, Being happy when one succeeds

I teach you Physics one fifteen, you inspired me to sing

But where are we? I’m writing this song with you I’m missing

I wish I could be nineteen again, I will never let you go

I wish I could be happy for you now that you’re happy

I wish I could I wish I could I wish I could press control z

"it’s ok for you to leave me… but when you decide to come back, don’t sulk and..."

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:45:12 +0800

“it’s ok for you to leave me… but when you decide to come back, don’t sulk and despair for I am no longer here…”

- Barry Manguerra